Pretty Kitty Pages

From the March issue of Pin Curl Magazine

Dear Lillith,

I am approaching my one year anniversary as a burlesque performer and I find myself conflicted about whether or not I should continue. I could really use your advice.

Burlesque has been an amazing addition to my life. For the first time I feel creative, talented, and funny. The community that I perform in is filled with amazingly beautiful, fun and supportive people. The scene and the opportunities compares to no other in my life.

That said I am also in school working towards my Masters in Social Work. I am in love with the program, the learning, and the profession. It truly speaks to my professional, spiritual and emotional center and I am grateful to be in the program and to have found my calling. I hope to move on to getting a masters in public health and one day run a holistic clinic that meets both the mental and physical needs of under-served populations.

I am realizing, with the not so desired help from my family, that the two worlds are ever more in conflict with one another. As a result I have stopped having my photograph taken and do my best to keep my burlesque identity separate from my professional one.

Can you help out line the honest risks I face if I continue to perform. Some people in my life tell me the risks are possible yet unlikely, and others believe that I am throwing my career down the drain if it “ever gets out.” I hate that burlesque has to be this dark secret, and I respect your ability to be honest and open about it.

Thank you for your advice.

All the best to you,

Miss Twin Peaks

Dear Miss Peaks

Wow, I’m not sure your letter could have hit any closer to home for me! Having gone through a similar struggle, I was really moved by your story. The fact that you are even thinking about these things is really important – it tells me that you are using professional judgment and being very thoughtful about how you approach your career, and that speaks volumes about how you will function as a clinician.

I think your first task is to try to figure out whether burlesque is a hobby or an identity for you. If it is a hobby, it may be time to find other ways to tap into that creative outlet. Open mic nights, community theater, or dance classes might be enough to fit your needs. If you decide that burlesque is something that speaks to you on a deeper level, it might not be something you can live without. If that’s the case, you need to begin the work of finding a way to blend your two passions.

You mentioned a number of things that burlesque brings to your world, and you clearly have a strong attachment to and love for your work and future career plans. My quick answer to your question is this: the two are NOT mutually exclusive. You can have both, if you want them.

My first piece of advice to you (and it’s what I tell my students and clients as well) is to make your self yourwork. We are happiest and most fulfilled when we are able to do work that speaks to our deeper sense of self. The things that you mentioned that you love about your work:“It truly speaks to my professional, spiritual and emotional center….” align beautifully with what you have discovered in burlesque:“I feel creative, talented, and funny. The community … is filled with amazingly beautiful, fun and supportive people.” Your job as a social worker is to help people find exactly the things you have found! How lucky for your future clients to have an advocate and ally who is so open-minded and open-hearted as to find the joy and beauty you have discovered! Do not be afraid of what you have found – it is a gift not only for yourself, but also for every life you touch.

To put it more succinctly – your profession needs you just the way you are.

So let’s think about this situation in terms of integration. You have two “worlds,” and for you to live happily ever after they need to be integrated. This does not mean that your worlds have to blend externally (not suggesting you wear pasties to work), but for your internal sense of self to be intact, you’ll need to find a way to blend both identities. It becomes easier and more natural over time, but the process of integrating these two parts of your life will be an ongoing process for a long time.

So let’s talk about risk. Unless someone is intimately familiar with your field, they are not qualified to advise you on the realistic risks to your professional life. While your family might have your best interests at heart, they are probably also influenced by “worst case” thinking and a desire to protect you from any chance of harm. Considering worst-case scenarios might be a good idea to a small degree, but it’s more important to pay attention to things that might actually happen.

Here’s an activity to help you assess realistic risk. Make a four column chart on a piece of paper and write down everything you’re afraid might happen. I’m going to guess that somewhere on your list you’ll have written down fears about ethics violations, license boards, intolerant bosses, unwanted media coverage, or angry clients. These and any others you might think of are all very valid concerns and they deserve your attention. You may also have some silly or exaggerated fears – those are okay too. Put them down as well; you can abandon them later.

Once you’ve written out your list, go back and assign each item a number from one to ten indicating what you think the likelihood of that happening is. If you are unsure, investigate. You can look up ethics boards complaints records and see how many were addressed and why. You can contact other sex-positive professionals (there are lots of us!) and ask them about their experiences. Find a professor or faculty member who you trust to be accepting and non-judgmental and create space for an ongoing dialogue with them. If you aren’t comfortable coming out to them as a burlygirl, tap into your network and find a like-minded mentor from a different school (this is something I can help you with if you need it).

Once you’ve made the list, it’s time to go back and re-evaluate each item. You’ll have to decide what you are and are not willing to sacrifice to lower that number to a point that feels acceptable to you. Brainstorm ways of reducing that number, then assign a new number based on your potential interventions.

Now, your list may or may not look anything like this one – that’s okay, it’s just an example. You are going to have to develop your own list based on your unique situation.  Your list may also change based on your context. As a student, you may have less control over your environment than you might once you graduate. Make sure your list fits you in the here and now; you can make a new one later if you need to.

Setting boundaries is a crucial part of risk reduction. It is important that you have carefully considered possible boundary violations and decided in advance how you will deal with them. Remember, a good professional isn’t one who never has an ethical dilemma; in fact, very little of your work will be black and white. A good professional is one who can carefully and responsibly find ways to manage the grey areas.

One of my personal boundaries is that I don’t perform in the city I teach in. It’s a sacrifice, since there are some great shows here, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make because I can get to Dallas fairly easily and there’s a lot to do there. Although it hasn’t happened yet, I know that at some point one of my students will likely recognize me and say something. Because I have already decided that I want to keep a fairly strict boundary between my work and my personal life, I will probably gently inform them that I don’t talk about my personal life at work and ask them to respect that. If it’s a counseling client, it would be important to process the impact of their discovery on the therapeutic relationship, but that doesn’t mean you have to disclose anything. There’s nothing wrong with processing the client’s feelings and beliefs– your job is not to shield them from anything, it’s to help them walk through whatever their current experience is.

Your boundaries are not only important to protect the best interests of your clients, they also  protect you. You have to decide how far you are willing to bend your sense of self to keep a job. For example, I have come to the realization that I am simply not willing to work in a setting with intolerant policies. I will not work anywhere that requires me to sign a so-called “morality clause” or that cites conservative principles in their administration procedures. This is a two part decision for me – one, I just don’t want to be in an environment where I feel scared to be me, but I also firmly believe in body- and sex-positivity, celebration of creative and free expression, and acceptance of diversity. I am dedicated to creating meaningful work for myself and others, and I don’t want my effort and energy to contribute to intolerance. There are lots of other areas that you may discover are “make or break” for you – pay attention to these and honor them for yourself.

On another note, I want to point out that burlesque is not an all-or-nothing deal. If you’ll think of it on a continuum rather than a dichotomy, you’ll probably have better luck working out where you fit. There are so many ways to be involved in burlesque, and not all of them require you to take your clothes off. If you find that you don’t want to strip, learn a new talent like magic, juggling, tap dancing, or telling bawdy jokes. Stay involved by being a stage kitten, a production assistant, or a crafter. If you do want to show boobies it doesn’t mean you have to be front and center all the time. You may decide that local shows every once in a while are enough to keep you happy. Or, you may feel strongly that you want to be totally invested and pursue festivals or titles or out-of-town gigs, which is okay too. What matters most is that you’re deliberate about your decisions.

I teach undergraduate and graduate coursework in psychology, social work, and women’s studies. This requires me to walk a careful line between my worlds, but they no longer feel in conflict the way they once did. Even though I am not always out about being a performer, I always bring my beliefs about sex positivity, empowerment, and self-love to the classroom. Last year I had the opportunity to teach a workshop about burlesque and body shame to a graduate-level Expressive Arts Therapy class. The students and professor were delighted with the workshop and we spent several hours coming up with ways we could use the principles of burlesque with clients. No, we’re not teaching clients to twirl tassels, but we are modeling radical body acceptance, generous spirit, creativity without judgment, body movement for well-being, and social support and love. We also decided that a little glitter and glue can make a blue day much better, no matter who you are!

I remember when I first started working on integration, I felt like it was too big to handle. I felt like there was this looming disaster right around the corner, and every exciting new opportunity that arose for me also came with a deeper sense of fear. I worked (and continue to work) closely with a therapist who understands my goals and has helped me process each new experience as it comes up. And that’s my final thought for you – don’t tackle this as one giant problem. Take each day at a time, make the best decision you can in each moment, and trust that you will also be able to make the best decisions you can in future moments.

Value your gifts. Your clients are lucky to have you.

Warmly,

From the February issue of Pin Curl Magazine

Dear Lillith:

A close friend and I perform together at a lot of small burlesque and variety shows. We started burlesque together and have worked together ever since, but lately we are butting heads. I really love performing with her but I am worried that our friendship is suffering because we work together. What can I do to make sure both our friendship and performances are strong?

-          Torn in Texas

Dear Torn in Texas:

The blending of personal and professional roles can be really difficult, but it seems like you are committed to working it out, which is a great start. This issue impacts a lot of performers and producers – since we are such a small community, we end up blurring the lines between friendship and business, which can lead to ruffled feathers, minor tiffs, or even major conflicts.

Since you two started your performance careers together, then it makes perfect sense that you’d be butting heads now. Burlesque is an art form crafted by time – when you first started performing; you probably approached your acts differently than you do now. As you’ve become more experienced, you have likely developed your own style and your own way of doing things, both on and off stage. You’ve probably also realized how much work is involved, and you may be developing a better sense of how dedicated you want to be. This kind of growth and development is a really important part of each performer’s journey. Allowing each other the space to develop independently, even if it means in different directions, is a marker of a strong friendship.

Think about these as two distinct relationships: a personal relationship and a professional relationship. They certainly blur together at times, and that’s part of what makes it fun, but don’t forget that they are unique roles that should be nurtured equally. If you come to a point where you are unable or unwilling to continue attending to those roles, it may be time to consider letting go of one or both of them. Since it seems clear to me from your question that you are hoping to maintain that strong friendship and continue perform together as well, here are some pointers to help you along the way…

Know yourself

One of the most important things that you bring to the table as a friend and as a performer is your own level of insight. The more you understand yourself, the better able you are to communicate your own style and find ways to support each other. If you know that you tend to procrastinate, you can ask her for support and friendly reminders. If you prefer having written choreography rather than memorized, you can say that up front and avoid annoyances down the road. Do you prefer to start rehearsals immediately, or do you like to chat a bit before beginning? Simply knowing how you work best and letting the other person know, leaves a lot of space for compromise and mutual understanding.

Small conflicts are usually indicators of underlying frustration or anger. If seemingly trivial things feel more important than they should, you may need to do some deeper reflection on how things are going. For example, if you are frustrated that she tends to be a few minutes late to rehearsals, a deeper reason might be that you are feeling like she doesn’t care about your work together. If she thinks you are too controlling about the choreography, it may be because she feels like her voice isn’t heard in the creative process. Similarly, things can carry over from other parts of your relationship. If there is something going on in the friendship, that will show up in your work together, just like these work conflicts are showing up in your friendship. Having well-developed personal insight can help create a safe space for open and honest dialogue.

Negotiate

Now that you’ve had experience as a performer, it’s probably time to renegotiate how you work together. Talk to each about what works and what doesn’t for you. How much time do you need to prepare for a show? How many rehearsals do you need? How frequently do you want to perform? Are you allowed to perform solo? With others? Do you consider this a hobby or a career? How do you want to brand yourself to your audience? Which shows will you be in? How much do you need to be paid? The list goes on and on…. Different performers have different preferences, but the problem comes when we don’t explicitly talk about these questions because we end up making assumptions about the other person’s wants and needs. Remember, if you’re going to work together, you’ll have to compromise, but it’s impossible to compromise if you don’t know what each person needs.

Having some level of personal insight will also allow you to negotiate your working relationship based on what your own needs and interests are. Talk about how you’re going to work together – if you are going to integrate social time with work time, decide how you will know when it’s time to work and when it’s time to play. I occasionally perform with a gal who has a “working notebook.” When the notebook’s out, it’s a signal that we’re talking business and we’re getting stuff done (usually while drinking wine and gabbing about whatever books we’re reading and our latest thrift store discoveries). When the notebook goes away, so does the business. It’s a nice way of integrating both while still being clear about boundaries and roles.

Communicate Effectively

Effective communication happens in person. Most of the time email and text do nothing to reduce tension or clear up misunderstandings. Instead, they perpetuate misunderstanding and create unnecessary conflict. A healthy dialogue allows space for complexity, clarification, non-verbal cues, emotional expression, and nuance, and it has a sense of give and take in the moment. Email and text offer none of those things. Emoticons don’t count as sharing your feelings.

Also, keep your drama offline. Keep. Your.Drama.Offline. Facebook and Twitter lull us into believing that we are just venting to our friends when we post overly emotional or derogatory messages online. We also tend to not recognize when we are creating or perpetuating drama because it feels so personal and so relevant at the moment we post it. The truth is that it comes across as inappropriate and disrespectful. It’s not only unprofessional; it’s also hurtful to your friendship. At tempting as it is, when in conflict you must avoid technological communication!

Another major pitfall in communication is passive aggression. This is a big one that a lot of women in our culture struggle with. Think about how kids are socialized, generally speaking: boys tend to settle their differences physically or verbally, and are encouraged to be assertive and stand up for themselves. Girls, on the other hand, are typically expected to be nice and gentle, so the necessary assertion of boundaries and needs has to occur in passive ways.

When you write a post on Facebook about “someone” doing something to you, when you make snarky comments about something rather than just confronting it head on, or when you tell lots of other people about a private conflict, you are acting out your aggression in a passive manner. This is particularly hard to deal with when you’re on the receiving end of it because it leaves you feeling unable to protect yourself – you know you’ve been attacked, but the manner in which it was done makes it hard to defend yourself. Dismantling passive aggression takes special attention, since many of us have had it ingrained in us since birth. Learning to communicate assertively and directly (albeit gently and kindly!) will smooth things out considerably.

It’s not show friends, it’s show business

I think one of the most difficult things about this art form is the financial side – this is an expensive lifestyle, with very little tangible reward. Whether you’re performing or producing (or both!), you have undoubtedly invested money – perhaps even a lot of money – into your work. Money is so important in our lives – when we talk about money we’re also talking about our personal sense of security, which can be a scary thing to feel unsure about. Many of us get very protective over that part of our lives, and understandably so.

If your friend is producing a show or bearing any sort of financial responsibility for more than just herself, it’s important that you realize how intense that is. At face value, it may seem simple – just rent a venue, hire performers, and sell tickets, right!? WRONG! Not only is event production much more expensive and complex than it seems, there’s also a great deal of emotional cost as well. When a producer signs a contract accepting financial and legal responsibility for a show; that’s a lot of weight. Depending on how big that weight is, she might have to make some decisions that you don’t agree with. It is important for you to recognize that when her money is on the line, her role has to be a professional first.

Even if she’s not a producer, she’s still investing money, time, and energy – and these are valuable resources!  You may have different ideas about how much of those things you are willing and able to invest in your work. You may have different plans about where you hope your path will take you. All of these “big picture” issues end up being manifested in small things, like how much time someone can spend rehearsing or how far they are willing to drive. If you can have a dialogue with her about where you see yourselves going and how you each intend to get there, you’ll have a better understanding about the physical, financial, and emotional cost of performance.

Moving forward

Power struggles are tough, but the good thing is that it means you both have strengths and are willing to be assertive about them. Many times when you end up in a power struggle, you miss the fact that the other person may have ideas that compensate for your weak points.  If you put down your boxing gloves for a minute, you can turn the situation into something that benefits of both you. For instance, if you butt heads about the creative direction an act will take, you might take turns being the “artistic director” for your acts. If you have conflicts about how the business side is being handled, talk about it and decide who will handle what aspects of the management. Maybe when one of you is creative director, the other can take on the business side (i.e. handling communication with producers, taking care of music prep, handling payment, etc.).

If it turns out that you are on two different paths, or if you continue to have conflict that cannot be resolved, then you may need to mutually renegotiate your working relationship in order to save your friendship. That does not mean you have to stop working together, but it might mean that things have to change. As you consider making a big change like that, remember that the development, growth, redefinition, and sometimes even the ending of a relationship can be a very healthy and empowering process for everyone involved. When you find that you are able to speak your truth and hear your friend’s truth without judgment, you’ll be able to navigate the waters of the personal and the professional with ease.

Warmly,