Category Archives: psychology

Love, Lillith

Posted on June 1, 2013 | Leave a comment

Below is my written response to the overwhelming support of  my fundraising project.

I’m really speechless. Skye launched this campaign not even 24 hours ago, and the response has been overwhelming, to say the least. Making that video was really hard for me, and after it was posted I cried a lot and second-guessed myself quite a bit. I wondered what people would think of me, I wondered if anyone would notice, and I honestly wondered how I was going to be able to hold my head up after everyone saw me so vulnerable. Not because I am ashamed of asking for help (although it was decidedly more difficult than I anticipated), or because I am embarrassed about the situation. I’m not really sure what it was about – I processed a lot last night with people close to me, trying to figure out why I was feeling so raw about it, but didn’t really come up with much. My emotions are all tangled up.

This morning I couldn’t even look at my phone – every time a donation came through, my gut clenched and I fought back the urge to say no, thanks, please don’t put yourself out. All I want to do is help people, and it feels like by accepting money I am doing the opposite. Throughout the day, though, as I’ve read the comments and reasons people are donating and posting and spreading the word, I’m realizing that maybe by accepting help, I am actually helping others too.  I’m trying to focus on the broader scope of my work – it was never supposed to be about me anyway, so who am I to reject participation by others? Why wouldn’t I welcome everyone? I love all of you so much, and I’m deeply honored to share this with you.
I’m trying to take it easy on myself. There’s a lot of other stuff going on my life right now too, so really, any little thing sends me over the edge these days. I’ve been feeling pretty lonely, although that is rapidly changing as I’m faced with such overwhelming love. I’ve been struggling with the move in general – I feel like I’ve been trying to get out of Texas my whole life, and now that it’s happening I only want to be here. I am so happy here, working on shows, teaching classes, doing all the things I love doing. I can’t bear to leave, even for a year. I don’t want to be away.
I have to be out of the Glitter Box by tomorrow, so I’ve been packing and moving and sweating and cussing a lot over the last week. It’s hard to figure out how to pack – if I’m couch surfing in Miami, I can’t take much of anything. If I’m going to find a place, will it be furnished or unfurnished? Do I pack for a month? Six months? How do I get stuff there – ship it? Strap it on top of my tiny car? I still don’t know. I’m kind of shooting for middle ground, leaving most of my stuff in storage and marking boxes “miami for sure” and “miami maybe.” I have a place to stay for the first few weeks – it’s about an hour away from Miami, but it’s free, so I’m not complaining. Once I get there, I feel like I’ll have better luck finding a place, then I guess I’ll make more decisions. Thanks to all of you, I no longer feel terrified that I might end up with nowhere to go. I know, at the very least, that I will be able to find something, and I won’t starve.
The universe seems to be taking care of things, in many different ways. I was out with friends last weekend, right after the financial aid fiasco, and I was feeling really depressed and defeated. I almost didn’t go (I tend to hibernate when feeling blue) but I’m glad I did, because I happened to meet two really amazing and beautiful people who just moved here from Miami. They have already started connecting me to their social groups and other resources, so I feel like I won’t be quite so alone when I get there. I have also heard from some of the other interns that will be working with me, so I’m hoping maybe one will want a roommate. These little bursts of “coincidence” are incredibly inspirational.
My faith has been boosted not only by the donations, but by the words of encouragement, the emails and texts and posts, the way people have gotten behind this. I guess I didn’t realize that people felt this way about me – I’ve just sort of done the work I feel called to do, and privately hoped I’ve reached people, but it seems like a lot more people believe in me than I realized. I’m so deeply moved by the response, and it’s helping me remember that this endeavor is more than a personal goal – it really is for everyone, and it seems like everyone wants it too. (jeeez I’m getting teary again).
I think this experience is more than just getting money. When I expressed my fears and emotional mayhem to one of my closest friends, she reminded me to pay attention to the lesson I’m supposed to be learning. At face value, the lesson seems to be about humility, about asking for and accepting help. But I think there’s more to it than that….I’m realizing so many things about the value of community, about the impact of generosity (both generosity of spirit and generosity of the tangible). I’m realizing that I’ve been focused on the end result, the finish line, but it turns out the work has been valuable all along.
Every donation, every post, every tweet takes my breath away. I’ve been breathless all day. I’ve been crying from sorrow for so long, crying from relief and joy is a welcome change. I cannot possible express how full my heart feels, how safe and cared for and nurtured I feel. There are literally no words to explain how I feel. I’ll keep trying, though.
Thank you. For real, thank you.
Love,
Lillith

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Posted in psychology

Boas, Pasties, and Parenting

Posted on August 13, 2012 | Leave a comment

From the August issue of Pin Curl Magazine

Dear Lillith,

With my husband’s blessing, I have been dancing Burlesque for just over three years.  We have two wonderful boys together, ages 11 and 8.A couple years ago I finally came out of the Burlesque closet to my mom, who, of course, wasn’t too pleased about the whole situation.  Her concern is how my lifestyle will reflect her (which I’ve explained to her my performance lifestyle has nothing to do with her) and – and here is what my question centers around – my kids.

My children are very brilliant, and figure things out.  My oldest son is going to be in middle school this upcoming year, and he accesses the internet fairly frequently during the school year.  After I told my mom about my Burlesque lifestyle, she brought up the kids, in particular my oldest son. ”What about when your boys find out?  What are you going to tell them?”  Her concern comes from the fact that I strip my clothes off as a performer.  So the question has plagues me – what DO I tell my boys about me performing Burlesque?  When should I talk to them about it?  And how do I bring it up, or should I let them bring it up?

Up until this point all they know is “Mom has a show to do.”  I don’t talk about my Burlesque side in front of them, and they have never seen a video of any of my performances.  I’ve rehearsed with them at home in full clothes only, and they have seen me making costumes and accessories.  The only dance style they have seen me do away from my home is Belly Dance.

My goal is for them to see Burlesque as an art form, but again I don’t even know how to begin to explain this to them.  When they are of age I want them to go see Burlesque shows, and if they are comfortable with it, be a part of the Burlesque community.

Your help and advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you,

Miss Chevious

Dear Miss Chevious

Let me first assure you that you are not alone –many parents struggle with how to teach their kids sex- and body-positivity in an age-appropriate and healthy way. It is no easy feat, especially in a culture that tends to shame and silence children when it comes to matters of the body. My hope in this brief response is to give you both some practical tips for sex-positive childrearing as well as a Continue reading →

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Posted in burlesque, Dear Lillith, psychology

Dear Lillith: Burlesque Vs. Day Job

Posted on April 6, 2012 | Leave a comment

From the March issue of Pin Curl Magazine

Dear Lillith,

I am approaching my one year anniversary as a burlesque performer and I find myself conflicted about whether or not I should continue. I could really use your advice.

Burlesque has been an amazing addition to my life. For the first time I feel creative, talented, and funny. The community that I perform in is filled with amazingly beautiful, fun and supportive people. The scene and the opportunities compares to no other in my life.

That said I am also in school working towards my Masters in Social Work. I am in love with the program, the learning, and the profession. It truly speaks to my professional, spiritual and emotional center and I am grateful to be in the program and to have found my calling. I hope to move on to getting a masters in public health and one day run a holistic clinic that meets both the mental and physical needs of under-served populations.

I am realizing, with the not so desired help from my family, that the two worlds are ever more in conflict with one another. As a result I have stopped having my photograph taken and do my best to keep my burlesque identity separate from my professional one.

Can you help out line the honest risks I face if I continue to perform. Some people in my life tell me the risks are possible yet unlikely, and others believe that I am throwing my career down the drain if it “ever gets out.” I hate that burlesque has to be this dark secret, and I respect your ability to be honest and open about it.

Thank you for your advice.

All the best to you,

Miss Twin Peaks

Dear Miss Peaks

Wow, I’m not sure your letter could have hit any closer to home for me! Having gone through a similar struggle, I was really moved by your story. The fact that you are even thinking about these things is really important – it tells me that you are using professional judgment and being very thoughtful about how you approach your career, and that speaks volumes about how you will function as a clinician.

I think your first task is to try to figure out Continue reading →

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Posted in burlesque, Dear Lillith, psychology

Dear Lillith: Personal versus Professional

Posted on March 1, 2012 | Leave a comment

From the February issue of Pin Curl Magazine

Dear Lillith:

A close friend and I perform together at a lot of small burlesque and variety shows. We started burlesque together and have worked together ever since, but lately we are butting heads. I really love performing with her but I am worried that our friendship is suffering because we work together. What can I do to make sure both our friendship and performances are strong?

-          Torn in Texas

Dear Torn in Texas:

The blending of personal and professional roles can be really difficult, but it seems like you are committed to working it out, which is a great start. This issue impacts a lot of performers and producers – since we are such a small community Continue reading →

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Posted in burlesque, Dear Lillith, psychology

Fat-Bottom Girls

Posted on August 15, 2011 | 4 Comments

A few days ago a joke about fat burlesque dancers was posted on twitter, and it upset me pretty badly. After I calmed down and had a dialogue with the poster, who was extremely gracious and responsive to my hurt and anger, I realized that my anger wasn’t really with her or the tweet itself, but was really because the seemingly innocuous joke was in terms that are so ingrained in our language, most people wouldn’t have thought twice about it. What bothers me more is that this shaming language is so invisible, yet there is little visibly-positive dialogue to counter that shame.

Fat-hate is everywhere, and it’s often couched in terms of pseudo-benevolence. Many people who overtly engage in anti-fat talk claim that this mask of benevolence justifies their discrimination and hateful commentary. There are lots of examples and increasing amounts of dialogue happening about this topic, but since that’s not the point of this post I’m not going to talk about it at length. For a brief overview about Fatism check out Bradley University’s The Body Project. If you have more references or information about this topic, please share them in the comments below!

The following quote is (hopefully) of no surprise to anyone:

“Research has documented that women are most often the victims of size discrimination. Perhaps this is because men have traditionally garnered credibility through the power and wealth they accumulate, and women have garnered credibility through how closely they conform to society’s ideals of beauty.” (read the full article)

Any woman who lives in mainstream American culture understands the impact of body image on self-esteem, social acceptance, and general well-being. We are no strangers to self-hate. We are constantly engaged in an unwinnable battle between authenticity and expectation – a deeply powerful love/hate relationship.

One of the reasons I love burlesque so much is that its job is to poke fun, to turn social expectation on its head and exaggerate and illuminate the ludicrous – and truly, the manner in which we fight against our bodies is so deeply ludicrous we could make fun of ourselves all day long!! So much incredible work is being done by burlesque dancers of all sizes and body shapes, and audiences and fans around the world are responding in overwhelmingly positive ways.

But honestly, it’s hard to get up there and reveal ourselves, no matter what kind of body we have. We do it, and we love it and feel liberated by it, but that doesn’t make it easy. We all have times where we feel too fat or too skinny, like our boobs are too big or too small or uneven or wrong, and sometimes we just feel dammed unpretty. I truly, truly love burlesquers of all genders and body shapes because I think the ability to manage these feelings and still find authentic power speaks volumes about the person’s character.

The truth is, I worry about my body before every show. I worry about cameras and what kinds of pictures are going to be posted on facebook. I worry about how I sit, how I stand, and how I jiggle. And even though my head knows that I’d rather be real than perfect any day, my heart still fears the social backlash. I do a lot of self-affirmation on show days, that’s for sure!

But you know, I realized something yesterday, in the midst of the twitter-angst. I realized that even the so-called fat-positive dialogue focuses more on why fatism is harmful than it does on any real body positivity. I think it stands to reason that until our everyday dialogue actively celebrates women’s bodies, we won’t start feeling better! So fiiiinally I’m getting to the heart of why I started writing this post….

I Love Fat Burlesque Dancers
(I love the skinnies too, but this is a special shout out to my sisters of size)

I went to the Dita von Teese show a few weeks ago, which was truly spectacular. Her costuming was breathtaking and her acts were beautiful.  I felt awed by her, mesmerized, and quite often felt like I was looking at living art. When Dirty Martini came on stage, though, I was totally blown away.  I laughed with her, was amazed by her, and felt…. well, I felt sexy! I felt connected on  a real level. Watching her, I felt like I got a glimpse of her as a real person… which is really the art of the tease at its best.

The reality is, I am not turned on by this barbie-doll image of women’s bodies that we’ve been sold on for so long, and neither are most of the people I know. I think that marketers have done a great job of keeping us dissatisfied so that we have to keep buying. But curvy burlesque dancers are like my church – they keep reminding me that I don’t want to keep buying the commercial myth of beauty. I wanna keep buying THEM!

Even though a real woman’s body presented with power and confidence is at the top of my sexy-qualities list, I also just really love the bump-and-grind! I love the ways that curvy women can move – it evokes a sense of fluidity and fullness that cannot be conveyed by costumes or sets. When I see a thick, sexy woman owning the power of her body, I feel powerful too. And the boobies…. ohhh the boobies. I have a deep, desperate desire to mash my face in them. I love the way big breasts make that tiny little shimmy with every step – little boobies have to be deliberately shaken, but big tits are constantly beckoning… constantly… mesmerizing…

So here’s my giant thank-you to all the burlesque dancers who jiggle, who flop, who shimmy and shake, who have cellulite and big assess and big tits and big hearts. YOU are one of the reasons this art feels so real and right to me and I am always awed and inspired by you. Please don’t stop the music!

Check out this fantastic video about Fat Burlesque.

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Posted in burlesque, psychology, shows

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Sex and therapy

Posted on February 4, 2011 | 1 Comment

Last December I was honored to be a guest on “Let’s Talk Sex With Shanna Katz“, a live on-air talk show in Phoenix, Arizona. We were talking about sex and psychology and, naturally, the time flew by and we had barely scratched the surface when it was time to stop. I promised Shanna I would follow up my interview with some information for her listeners and readers.  This is a short post for now, but please send me any questions and I will continue to add to it.

Types of therapists:
There are a lot of different kinds of therapists, and many different types of certifications and licensures. Here are a few common ones:

A psychiatrist will have a medical degree (MD) as well as specialized training in mental health. Psychiatrists can prescribe medication, and although some psychiatrists do provide counseling, many follow a more traditional medical approach and coordinate care with psychologists who provide talk therapy on a more regular basis.

Psychologists who provide counseling services typically hold either a Ph.D. (which requires a dissertation and is a research oriented degree) or a Psy.D. (which does not require a dissertation and is focused primarily on practice rather than research). Psychologists are trained in neurology, assessment and diagnostics, counseling, and research. Many also receive training in pharmacology, and in some states are allowed to prescribe certain medications. State licensure is required to be identified as a psychologist.

Marriage and Family Therapists (MFTs) hold a master’s degree and receive a great deal of training during and after graduation. They generally work with families and couples, although they are licensed and qualified to provide individual therapy as well.

Licensed Professional Counselors (LPCs) and Social Workers (LCSWs or MSWs) also hold master’s degrees and receive extensive training in areas such as social services, advocacy, and counseling. They work in a variety of settings and often specialize in particular fields, such as addictions or grief.

A Sex Therapist is someone who has training as a therapist as well as specialized knowledge about sex and sexuality. She or he may hold any of the licensures listed above, and there are also a couple of universities that offer graduate degrees in Sex Therapy.

You can’t really tell if a therapist is going to be a good fit for you based on their degree or title, but you should definitely look for someone who attended a reputable training program and who is licensed.

Finding a Therapist:

Finding a therapist can be difficult, especially if there are parts of your lifestyle or identity that are generally stigmatized by mainstream medical care. Even if you have insurance, you may want to consider looking out-of-network to find someone who is a good fit. Many counselors offer sliding scale fees or will provide insurance reimbursement forms.  If you need to stay in a network, though, don’t give up. Sometimes you’ll need to meet a few therapists before you find the right one for you.

Word of mouth is always a great tool if you’re willing to ask around, but if seeking therapy is something that’ s private for you, that’s okay. Here are some other resources:

Psychologist Locator
The Therapy Directory
Kink Aware Professionals
Find a Doc
AASECT Directory

Choosing a Therapist:

When choosing a therapist, you’re looking for a certain fit. Therapists operate from a variety of different approaches, and what actually happens in the therapy room can vary widely. Therapy is intensely personal work, and will be challenging, so you need to feel connected to and safe with the person you’re working with.

First, make sure that the practitioner has training in the area you are seeking help with. If you are dealing with sexual assault, find someone who has experience working with that kind of trauma. If you need to address family issues in a multi-partner relationship, you’ll need someone who is skilled with systemic or family therapy. If you’re experiencing sexual dysfunction, you may want to seek a sex therapist or someone who has training specifically in the area of sexuality.  Many therapists have training and experience in more than one area, which is good, because humans are complex and are often experiencing more than one problem at once!

When you are ready to make an appointment, you don’t have to say why you’re calling over the phone. When you sit down with the therapist and start talking about why you’re there, pay attention to your instincts. Is the counselor receptive to your concerns? Does she or he answer your questions? How do they react when you disclose your relationship style/occupation/sexual preferences?

A lot of counselors are not going to be familiar with sex-positive language. Ignorance about your lifestyle is not necessarily a bad thing, but a chilly reception or a closed perspective on it should be warning signs that it might not be a good fit. When I landed in my therapist’s office, she’d never heard of BDSM or Leather. I could tell by her reaction, though, that she was interested in me and willing to learn, so I gave her a few resources (books, websites, etc) and she was very receptive. In all honesty, her ignorance was actually helpful because it forced me to really evaluate what I do and why as I was explaining it to her. Her “outside” perspective often helps keep me from blindly accepting the things I experience and learn in the kink lifestyle.

Do not be afraid to voice your fears about therapy or the therapist herself. Any therapist that would take offense at that does not need to be your therapist! It’s not uncommon to feel awkward at first, but talking about your concerns is a great way to start to build that therapeutic relationship.

The Therapeutic Relationship

The relationship you have with your therapist is really unique. It is most likely the only relationship you will ever have where the other person has no connection to anyone else in your world and who is solely interested in your welfare. It truly is amazing, when you think about it! It’s like having your own private cheerleader and coach that no one else can touch.

The therapeutic relationship is often a comfortable environment where you can explore yourself in privacy and safety. At the same time, it can sometimes mimic your outside relationships. If you tend to get angry quickly, you’ll probably get angry in therapy. That’s a good thing because it lets you figure out what’s going on with the help of someone who is actually comfortable with your anger. Same idea with sadness, or any other emotion. We’re often taught to shut down our emotions, and that can make us uncomfortable with other people’s emotions too. It’s a unique experience to sit with someone who is comfortable with emotion.

The therapeutic relationship can take time to develop, and, since that relationship has been shown to be the most important factor in therapeutic progress, therapy does take time. It’s kind of like working out – you don’t go to the gym for an hour and then wonder why you aren’t looking more muscular. It takes time, consistent work, and some soreness too – therapy isn’t always comfortable, and it can sometimes feel worse before it feels better.

Because I’m not sure what issues you have run into or what information you’d like to know, I’m gonna stop there and open up this topic for questions. Please post them below, or email me and I will answer them here.

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Posted in psychology

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