This letter is in response to the keynote address and subsequent discussion period at Spring Iniquity XX.
Dear Mr. Baldwin
I have to say, I was pretty excited to get to meet you this weekend. As many places as I’ve been and events I’ve attended, I have somehow never had the pleasure of meeting you in person. I have heard a lot about you – as someone who actively seeks out oral history of the Leather community, I hear your name a lot. I talk about you in one of the workshops I present, and I am aware of the work you do professionally. Your book Slavecraft was one of my first purchases when I found the Leather community – not necessarily because I was interested in the topic (although I came to be interested) but because I recognized it as the work of a fellow academic. I am a psychologist-in-training, currently doing a clinical rotation in a counseling center, so in addition to the joy of meeting someone with such a powerful hand in creating this community I so deeply love, I had also hoped to make a professional connection and perhaps seek some advice or support from you in that regard. Academia is one of my “birds of a feather” groups, so this weekend seemed like a good chance to get to flock together with you, at least for a few minutes.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to introduce myself to you. I don’t know yet if it was a momentary setback or a deeper, more long-lasting hurt, but after hearing you speak today, I felt quite strongly that my approach would not be appreciated, and, frankly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to even start that dialogue. Because I believe that your intent was to spark an open discussion about the sensitive topics you addressed, I would like to take a few minutes to contribute to the conversation and offer you some insight on my experience as an audience member.
I read your keynote from last week’s LLC, so I was prepared to be “stirred up” by your address. I realize that your approach is to shake the tree vigorously in the hopes of generating enough energy in people to spark productivity. However, I would like to quite clearly state that I do not believe that you have to piss people off to get them to listen. You didn’t have to hurt me to get me to hear you. I was already ready to listen.
I don’t use my birth name in the work that I do in the community. I have come to a point where I proudly use my chosen name to represent myself, although it was very much a process for me to get to there. Unfortunately, my parents did not have the foresight to give me a powerful SHero Goddess name, so I had to pick one for myself.
At first, I used my chosen name because I didn’t feel safe. I wasn’t safe. I had recently been the target of a slanderous and devastating (financially and emotionally) investigation that included the interviewing of my family, friends, and neighbors about my “perverted” interests, as well as extensive covert videotaping of my daily activities. That was a particularly traumatic event in my life, and, since I was teaching high school at the time and the district was, in part, behind the investigation, I was unable to return to that job. It took me a year to stop circling back on the highway in case someone was following me. I still get startled easily. Five years later I still keep the blinds closed. So when I heard you tell everyone in the room that my fear for my safety was unjust – that I had no reason to feel afraid for my safety – I felt… well, I felt angry. And for some reason I felt ashamed.
I don’t believe it’s fair to say that because gay people are not targeted with the type of physical violence and emotional violation that was experienced in the Stonewall era, they should no longer fear for their safety. I don’t believe that any more than I believe that gays in that era shouldn’t have been afraid because y’all had it better off than the gays in the Holocaust. Nor do I believe you can assume that a heterosexual person is safe simply because they are straight. I don’t believe you can compare people’s experiences of safety and violence. This world is a lot more dangerous in a lot of ways, especially with the way that the internet functionally eliminates people’s privacy, with or without their consent. But all that aside, I don’t believe you can shame people into being out. I felt shamed by you and I felt like you were shaming people in there who are walking their path the best they can. I think gentle encouragement and support would be much more effective at creating the change you seek.
My name is no longer used to hide my identity, and I am trying hard not to be ashamed about the fact that it once was. I did the best I could. Now my name has become a driving force, an empowerment, an identity. You forgot to mention that many people have meaningful, chosen names that happen to be different from the ones given to them by their birth parents. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, any more than I feel like there’s something wrong with having chosen families as well as birth families. Choice is powerful. Choosing your own name is powerful. I don’t agree that it’s something to be ashamed of.
As far as those who don’t feel safe, I don’t believe they should be berated or shamed into coming out when they aren’t safe. There are plenty of people who remain the targets of physical violence, including gays, queer people, trans people, sex workers, and yes, even straight people. Just because the crosshairs have moved away from gay men in many ways does not mean that the crosshairs have gone away. They’re just pointed in a different direction. Are you really willing to turn your back now that you’re a little more comfortable? If you are, okay. But please, please don’t encourage others to turn their backs. We all have to fight our common enemies, and that means being a little patient and understanding with people who haven’t come to a point where they feel safe.
So perhaps you’re beginning to see why I didn’t feel comfortable introducing myself to you. You had just finished shaming me for using a scene name – how could I introduce myself to you? How could I tell you my name(s)? But the even bigger heartbreak for me was your statement that I could not be a leader if I was not “out” with my birth name. I know that you don’t know who I am, but I bet if you asked someone in my community, they could tell you. I work really hard for this community. I teach, I serve, I lead, I contribute, I think, I discuss, I share, I play. I do so much, and it is worth so much more than the name by which I do it. Did you mean to invalidate all my work? Did you really mean to say that I shouldn’t bother giving my time and energy unless I’m willing to do it according to your beliefs about my safety and choice?
You went on to say that you, as a gay man, felt you had given all you had to give and that it was time for you to withdraw. I respect that perspective, especially considering how influential you’ve been and how much work you’ve done – I imagine you’re exhausted and ready to retreat and be nurtured by those with whom you identify. But, bigger than that, you claimed that gay men as a group have given all they can, and that they should withdraw. I can appreciate a message of self-care, of creating safe, private space for bonding with your own kind. But the statements you made that claimed that heterosexual people are all take and gays are all give is just plain wrong. I am saddened for the hets in the audience to whom you said “you don’t bring us anything.” I hope that they know that’s not true. I’d be willing to bet that many of the individuals who put on the conference were straight. I know many in the leadership of NLA are straight. Do you really think they have nothing to offer? Our community, our sex, our culture are better for having them. We are stronger for being unified.
Again, I strongly advocate safe space. As the founder of Fresh Leather, one of my core beliefs is that individuals need the chance to be around people that they feel “fit” them. It is natural for us to congregate with people like ourselves – but I believe that is different than asking people to segregate based on a singular diversity variable such as being a gay man. These congregations, these safe spaces fall along the lines of all kinds of diversity variables: age, gender, sexual orientation, kink, education, location, fetish, hobbies, children, etc. These are all valid and valuable variables. I believe that your broad statements devaluing heterosexuals has only created greater division where there was already a divide. I can honestly say that if I were straight, I would seriously be asking myself if Leather, and NLA in particular, really wanted me there. I am a Leatherdyke, and based on your comments today, I am left wondering for the first time if I am really valued in Leather.
I gotta tell you, I busted my ass all weekend. I presented two workshops and interpreted the rest of the time. I didn’t play, I didn’t go to the bar – I worked and slept. Am I to believe that since I used my “scene name” and because I am not a gay man, my work is not good enough?
The topics of being out, scene names, history, safe space, sexual orientation, Leather vs. Kink, leadership… all these topics are fabulous points of conversation. They are sensitive, hot-button issues that need to be discussed, and I value the fact that you are willing to call attention to these types of issues. However, I am deeply, deeply saddened that you choose to spark these dialogues by hurting, belittling, and pissing people off. I truly believe you could have engaged us in thoughtful dialogue while still being caring and kind, and being attentive to how your words would impact those of us who have different experiences than yours.
Perhaps my deepest sorrow in all this, aside from the sad faces and generally downhearted energy that followed your speeches, is those people who are gleefully claiming that this is why they asked you to come. It seems that many gay men are delighted that the hets were put in their place, that you called out shamefully people who use scene names, and that people are hurt. They are saying that they knew you would piss people off and that was their goal in bringing you. If that’s the case, I don’t know if I will be back to that event – I don’t need to work as hard as I work and give as much of myself as I give if the coordinators are going to be intentionally malicious.
Do the ends really justify the means? You got your dialogue, but you hurt a lot of people in the process. Like you said, there is more than one way to get from point A to point B – I don’t believe you had to choose a hurtful and attacking approach. You have a powerful voice and powerful influence, and I believe that if you chose to be motivational and inspirational, you could be among the best speakers in the world. After today, a great many of us don’t feel motivated or inspired. We feel unimportant, belittled, angry, hurt, lonely, and let down.
You don’t have to hurt me to get me to listen. I am not an emotional masochist. I am a young person, a Leatherdyke, a leader and a student, a mentor and a mentee. I am ready to learn. I sincerely hope to meet you one day, perhaps when my skin is a little thicker and my heart is not quite so on my sleeve. Until then, please accept my thanks for taking the time to read my thoughts on this, and for all the work you have done to create this community that (most of the time) feels like home for me.
With regards and respect,
Lillith Grey
written from my birth heart, though not in my birth name.
This was actually quite reassuring to me as I read it. As a queer woman who has been in the kink (but not leather) community for almost a decade, I was recently inspired to learn more about the concept of leather (a community which had been rude to me in the past, telling me femmes should be seen and not heard). When I put forth my request for knowledge, the first thing I was told to read was a Guy Baldwin on the history of leather, where he talked about how the hetero folks had no place in leather, and how having het folks was why there are now sexual predators in the community. I was turned off leather once again.
I am lucky to be able to use my real name, but that too has had its consequences; issues with family, friends, jobs and stalkers. Safety is still a VERY real issue for many folks of all genders and orientations in the community. And while I am queer, some of the people I respect most, both in kink and leather, are not.
This was a well written, well articulated letter. I am honored to know you, and have been able to read it.
Lilith,
I’d been lamenting not being able to attend the event, especially not being able to be present for his speech. I had a blast at the SI I was able to attend, it really felt like Leather space to me, and I felt invigorated by the experience. But by your account, I would have come from that speech only wanting to retreat further into my immediate Leather Family than I’ve already been forced to by the daily demands of life.
I’ve always been proud to know you, especially the effort you put into Leather as a whole, and I’m sorry that you were subjected to that manner of attack… of all the people I know you are among the last who deserve to hear that. I certainly can’t say I would have reacted by writing as polite a letter as this. You are a better person than I am.
This is exactly why the best mentors are those people whom we know personally, and who know us personally. People who try to speak for Leather as a culture, can never accomplish being the teachers others make them out to be.
I don’t usually feel the need to give you advice, personally I think you will thrive with or without it. But I’ll leave you with a favorite quote as advice to you.
“Damn the torpedoes! Four bells. Captain Drayton, go ahead! Jouett, full speed!”
Vice Admiral David Farragut at the Battle of Mobile Bay
usually paraphrased as…
“Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!”
You are doing right, please keep doing it, and damn those people who might try to shame others with shotgun insults that catch you in the blast.
Honor, Courage, Commitment
Damn anything else, especially if it’s used to condemn.
Lillith ,
Well worded, articulate and powerful! I have come to expect nothing less from you. I have to say thank you for helping bring to light the old (and not so old) prejudices that hinder our progress as a community and as people.
You honor us all with your ongoing efforts.
Neko
Very good response. I agree Guy is very confrontational and I suspect he delights in pissing people off. I don’t agree with everything I heard he said, but I do find it encouraging that you and so many others were moved to respond.
Guy kicked the hornets nest, and I am not surprised it caused a stir. Personally, I don’t feel attacking people to be the best way to start a dialogue, however, you must admit it got people talking. Now if everyone can just channel that energy and anger into something as positive and thoughtful as you did we might all be better off.
I have always admired your talent, energy and dedication to the community and I will always be grateful to you for your continued work. Please don’t let the words of one man deter you from your work. Guy may be a well known and respected member of the community, but it’s just his opinion.
I would also note that quite a few very respected members of the gay leather community also use nom de plumes.
Keep writing and working, we have a long way to go and need all the energy we can get!
I remain an admirer and supporter.
Yours in leather,
Hardy Haberman
I think the idea that the ends justify the means – that even though it was hurtful and demeaning, it was ultimately good because we are engaging in dialogue – is really harmful. Maybe the most harmful concept of all. If you shake a crying baby, it will probably shut up. That doesn’t mean it was a good idea to shake it! I think there are non-harmful ways of sparking dialogue. Controversy does not have to equal harm.
I also wonder if it’s okay with the SI committee that their keynote speaker basically talked shit to at least half of their guests. Just from a basic event success perspective, it seems like bad practice to allow someone to attack their supporters. I wonder how many people in that room don’t have the roots in the community to participate in the conversations, but who are now left feeling unwelcome and rejected.
I think the damage is bigger than the benefit. By far. Simply because the outcome was good (i.e. dialogue) that doesn’t mean the tactics were acceptable.
xo
I don’t feel the end justify the means either, rather I was just participating in a little “making lemonade out of lemons”. I think there are a lot of important discussions we in the leather community need to have, but I never feel using a bludgeon to start them is a good idea. Sorry if you got that impression.
Yours in leather,
Hardy Haberman
noooo I definitely didn’t think that’s what you were saying. It’s definitely what SOME people are saying though. I appreciate your responses!
Lillith,
I want you to know that I, and my husband, stand in awe of your service to the community. And we’re standing in quite a crowd. Not the least of whom are some of the most respected leaders of the leather community.
And I also want to thank you from my heart for defending the heterosexuals who seek fellowship with the gay people of the community. Especially in light of the fact that so much needed to be said about how you were directly slighted. It was generous of you to be thinking of others when you were emotionally wounded. But, on the other hand, it’s not at all surprising. Because that’s who you are. A generous, caring, tireless servant to people in leather and the people who love them.
Thank you for all you do, selflessly, every day.
Assholes and opinions, everyone has them. His bigoted, inflamatory opinion of me and my friends really doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.
We are stronger together than we will ever be separated.
Lillith
Guy did start a dialog in the community although I think not in a way that is positive for many as you have said.
This isn’t the first time that some gay men have decided to “Take their ball and go home” I am fairly positive it won’t be the last either. For those that do feel as he does I say, go ahead and leave. This community doesn’t need the divisiveness. We don’t need the personal selfish agenda’s. Please do go away you aren’t helping us and frankly you haven’t given us anything unique in a long time and I personally feel the price in many cases has been too high when you did. I do wish to caution though. Next time you need us and you will, it will be much harder to get us to rally around to help you. I know I won’t be so apt to run to aid my gay brothers when they are dropping like flies from some horrible unknown disease and there is no one to feed or care for them that isn’t just as ill as they are. I know I won’t be likely to drop my plans to run and protest when they have been run over by the powers that wish we and they didn’t exist.
I also think that if this is truly how many in the older gay male leather community feel then I really don’t want to be that version of leather. So please do go home, take your ball and go play your games in your own back yard. I don’t want to play with bullies. I don’t want to play with people who aren’t capable of looking beyond the same imaginary lines that they are trying to erase.
I personally have to wonder how many older or for that many any age gay men feel this way. I highly suspect it isn’t as many as he wishes. If I am wrong though, oh well. We as a community will be just fine without you. You said it is cultural genocide for you not to do this. I say your short sightedness will create the exact thing you fear. Go on and play in your own yard and when you go the way of the dodo bird don’t blame anyone but yourself.
Mr. Baldwin is guilty of forgetting the reality of the past and living in his own revisionist history. He longs for the “good old days” that didn’t exist in the larger community. The gay leather men needed the lesbians when they were ill and begged for our help we ran to their aid in hopes of creating a long lasting bridge. They decided when things had settled down they didn’t need us anymore. They needed the community as a whole when they wanted to legitimize themselves and we ran to their aid in hopes of making long lasting bridges. I guess now they think they don’t need us anymore since legislation seems to be moving in the right direction. For me personally, if you walk back across that bridge again and close the gate. I won’t open it again. So take your ball and go home and when you get tired of playing with the same people, don’t come back out and expect me to welcome you with open arms. This time I won’t be there.
My dearest Lillith, Thank you for sharing this. I was vending when Mr Baldwin dropped this bomb. As such, I did not hear his entire speech. I can offer this unique observation. Through the walls I could hear applause, and I could hear deathly silen ce. Even if I had not been told some of the content of his speech, I can tell you that I would most definately have known “something was afoot” the moment the halls filled with gay and het event attendees. The attitude changed, the energy changed, the interaction changed. It was almost like the gay leathermen were suddenly afraid to smile and interact with anyone but another leatherclad gay man. They stood in tight groups, and the whole dynamics of the event seemed to take on a “us against them” attitude. How sad.
Of course, when I got home, the first thing I did was ask my gay “housebands” how they felt about this. I could write an entire article on this alone, but that is not my intent here. To paraphrase, they told me that Guy Baldwin is ONE gay leatherman amongst many. Hopefully not all will agree or take his call to segregational action to heart.
As my “houseband” Elmer said, when possible, the gay community reacts to persecution by boycotting. He personally reccommends that tactic by members of the het community. I wonder how many book sales he would lose? Especially when I know of a mentor program who uses several of them as required reading? How many BDSM events will find another keynote speaker? How many of his internet readers will hit the unsubscribe button?
We three personally felt that it was indeed sad to see one man tear down or burn the delicate bridges that had been built. As Sebastian (yes, that is a scene name, Mr Baldwin) said, the bottom line is that he is just one man. Hopefully the many members of gay community who share this sentiment will speak up and help to heal this wound . Obviously, he is not speaking for the entire gay leather community.
I’m saddened to hear that you and others had this experience. You of all people did not deserve to be marginalized, as your many contributions to the community speak for themselves. None of the people in that audience who work hard to serve their communities deserved to feel that way.
I hear about things like this and I have to wonder which leather values this type of behavior is supposed to reflect.
Honor? Hardly.
Respect? Not even close.
Loyalty? Please.
Commitment? I suppose, although a valid question would be “commitment to what, or to whom?”
Service? What service was provided here, exactly? To whom? At whose expense?
I don’t imagine you’ll let this keep you down for long, but I know it must have hurt, and like many here have already said, you channeled that hurt into an impassioned, articulate response that was much more respectful of Mr. Baldwin’s position in the community than he reportedly demonstrated for much of his audience.
My best to you.
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Lilith,
I happen to know both of your names because you’ve honored me with your trust and let me know them but you’ll always be Lilith to me because that is the person I’ve come to know through our mutual interests in sexuality and sexual freedom.
I too use a chosen name in my work and my main reason for that is my children. As I often say, my children did not sign up or consent to this part of my life and they should not be forced to deal with the fallout of it. I don’t feel this makes me any less effective in the work I do. It instead gives me the ability to do things such as the NYC Sex Bloggers Calendar, Chat Lounge and MOMENTUM. It reminds me of what Jenny Block said in our opening keynote when years ago people questioned her wearing an Ann Taylor suit and pearls to a protest and her reply was “Just you watch what I can do.”
Speaking as a conference organizer (which you attended and presented at) I have to wonder why an organizing committee would choose a keynote speaker to open their conference that sets a tone such as you described above. In organizing Momentum one of our main goals was to open up the conference in an atmosphere that would make everyone feel welcome and an equal part of Momentum which I think we accomplished.
I agree with you that that ends never justify the means. You’ve been an inspiration to me since we met last year and please don’t ever let someone make you feel ashamed or not worthy.
I’m here if you ever need someone to chat with.
Diva
xo
I just stopped by to commend you on this writing. I heard about the comments that Baldwin made, and I found them lacking on so many fronts.
In an age where there are people who will use personal information to hurt, harm or defame a person due to society’s ignorance about what we do, who will seek to interfere with their ability to provide for themselves and their families, who will cause individuals to lose so much, I will never discourage anyone from using a scene name if they feel they must protect themselves. And if anyone doesn’t understand that then perhaps they are not aware of the current reality as one might think.
I could go on, but I don’t want to take up too much space. I do hope our paths cross again sometime soon and we will be able to talk more than you did the last time we encountered each other.
For now, I will just commend you on this writing and say how much I appreciate it, as someone else who “hides behind a screen name.”
Min
I’m hard pressed to remember if you were using “Lillith” when I met you, but I’m pretty sure you were when we first played together at South Plains, a million years ago, lol. I hate to hear that there’s such strife, but kudos to you for addressing it so eloquently.
~Della/Kittyn/Stacy/Hey Bitch
I, too, had a number of problems with Guy’s speech, starting with the way he misconstrued the early history of the NLA, and pretended to an understand of Steve Maidhof’s that he clearly lacked. I hope to write up a more formal response soon. For now, I’ll just make a couple of quick corrections and observations:
1) Several founding members of the NLA used only their first names and last initials. Both Jan Lyon and Cookie Andrews-Hunt, central figures in the NLA’s first decade and key organizers and leaders, are pseudonyms.
2) Contrary to what Guy said, we actually know quite a bit about Steve Maidhof’s intentions when he conceived first of the Living in Leather conference and then the National Leather Association. He intended the event and the organization to fully include women, and women have occupied key positions in the NLA throughout its 25-year history. Steve Maidhof valued diversity and understood that strength comes from unity. Perhaps Guy should have attended my presentation on the NLA’s history.
3) Pat Bond, the founder of TES, the oldest SM organization in the US, does not and has never used his real name within the scene. Pat Bond is a pseudonym. So, if the founder of what remains one of the largest and most important SM organizations in the world can use a pseudonym, so can other people. It does not diminish what they do for our community.
Steve
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Lilith,
As another leatherwoman who has chosen a pseudonym for professional and career reasons similar to the ones you describe, I have to agree with @DaddyFrank above. I missed the speech, was lamenting it until reading this… and now am glad I did not attend. Whether or not he intended it to trigger serious discussion, it sounds as though I would not have enjoyed it.
As a bi-female I find that we are often dismissed by lesbian/gay persons and treated as if we are hets who are just faking same gender interests… I am still astounded at the reactive judgmental behaviors and attitudes of many lesbian/gay persons. Just because someone else did it to you first, does not make it right for you to perpetuate that behavior and mirror the sentiments that would have it stated that including members of a specific sexual orientation into a community, is the cause of a prevalence of criminal activity…. REALLY? There is nothing quite like those who scream for acceptance and then refuse it to others because they too are different.
Somehow I recall learning that was the exact complaint made against gays for decades – one that was challenged and proven incorrect. It does indeed attack the credibility of a speaker when he uses an argument that the group he represents helped to disprove many years before.
I hope you know that your work is greatly appreciated and you are highly respected in my book.
So he wants to play where he can’t hear a woman scream. By all means, play somewhere else. A lot of people only play a small percentage of the time at large public parties; the rest of the time, they play in small groups and at home. That he loses his erotic feelings when he can hear a woman scream in pain is no doubt related to hearing his mom at his birth.
So he thinks numerous gay men want to retire from teaching the het community how to do sm. So he says that (somehow) it was only gay men who informed the world about how to do this stuff. But the Marquise de Sade and others came way prior to Guy. I personally learned not solely from gay men, but by a combination of trial and error, gay men, and gay women. In turn, I then taught men and women (gay, trans, & straight).
He says it’s been a one-way street: leathermen give, no one else gives back. Is that how it was done on the coasts? In the midwest, when it was time for bed, we curled up around their devastated bodies to comfort them to sleep. We consoled their families at the gravesite. We sewed quilt pieces and grieved their loss after death. We gave 1,001 AIDS education demos. We raised thousands for Spanner and the prisoners lined their cell walls with our letters. We took close-up photos of their penises decked in clothespins for Drummer. Our connection has gone way past sex and sm.
Do they all want to go away? Or is this plaintive cry just the movie sequel, Grumpy Old Leathermen? So go find a seedy place with a few cycles parked outside, where you can re-enact the past. I wish you the best in pain and pleasure. But do not desert us. It is too late for that. We love you already.
Thank you for sharing your thoughtful reply. As a het male who identifies as Leather and who has had a Leather heart since walking in the door of The Sanctuary of a Dark Angel in Atlanta (way back in the long, long time ago of April 1998), I would hate to think a man I had always looked up to as embodying the concept that “Leather is thicker than blood” has turned away from that. My Leather kinfolk are gay, straight, lesbian, bi-… As Momma Vi Johnson has often said, our sexuality is Leather.
The feedback is informative and illuminating. But for those who were NOT at Spring Iniquity to hear the keynote, it would be great to have a link to the speech as presented so we could read it (or hear it if it was taped like the LLC Keynote was video recorded). It would help us understand just why there has been such virulent feedback on it.
Safe journeys,
- Geoff
The text of the speech and video are available at:
http://www.leatherati.com/leatherati/2011/05/guy-baldwin-nla-houston-keynote-speech.html
Apart from what folks have already mentioned, the speech is prime example of what Stephen Colbert labeled truthiness. Baldwin builds his case on simplistic binary categorizations (gay/straight, out/closeted, etc.) and appeals to emotion rather than reason and evidence. Much attention has focused on Baldwin’s castigation of folks who use scene names, but this is easily refuted. Numerous people have made important contributions to our community while concealing their real names and using pseudonyms, among them Larry Townsend as we discovered after his death in 2008. Larry Townsend was a scene name (See his obituary in the Leather Archives newsletter: http://www.leatherarchives.org/resources/issue34.pdf ).
Finally the videos worked for me.
That provides a far better context for the statements that have been attributed to Guy.
First, I use my birth name and I generally introduce myself to people with my full name. This isn’t a matter of courage, it’s a matter of choice. I made the choice to live a life publicly that was not bound by ethical codes other than my own. I’m not a school teacher, I’m not a defense contractor, I’m not a politician, nor any other profession that would be damaged by being associated with BDSM or Gay culture.
Second, I acknowledge something Guy failed to acknowledge in his speech. That there are those people who DO have real dangers associated with the use of their legal name, weather based on their profession, or on their birth familial status. These are not imagined threats (though I’m sure in some cases there are, I acknowledge that there is threat enough in most cases to warrant some caution).
Third, there are large numbers of people whom I know who identify more with a chosen name, than their birth name. Through modern versions of rights of passage they have earned or chosen an identifier other than the one given to them by their parents when they had no say in the matter.
So, in that respect, I think that I see a great deal of naivete and/or outright ignorance in Guy’s assertion that irrational fear is a motivating factor in operating under a “scene name”.
It is my conclusion from Guy’s discussion that he felt no fear in operating under his birth name within Leather, and later within BDSM community as a whole. In fact he was able to parlay that fact into a fairly lucrative business model. It is my understanding of Leather history that leads me to believe that he was able to do this because those people who set the stage for him, fought, sometimes with weapons, for the freedom to do so. Having entered into Leather when and where he did, he was free because of this to not feel fear. Then he chose a professional course that was not restricted by his sexual preferences or proclivities.
It is my believe based on these understandings that he was gifted by those who came before him a sense of entitlement… though he may not have fully capitalized on that entitlement until recently. This entitlement is not invalid, it was hard fought by those who came before and after him, and even by himself.
But we do need to understand that it is a sense of entitlement that brings him to the understandings that he put forth in that speech. understandings that were largely false under scrutiny… aka “you can’t lead from a closet”.
Let’s look at that phrase, historically “the closet” referred to homosexuals who refused to acknowledge to the world (most often even to themselves) their true sexual identity. Here it is being used to refer to people who accept who they are, and interact with the world around them (even if in a somewhat limited manner publicly) as that person, but for one reason or another choose to do so under a pseudonym.
Personally I feel that his doing so demeans the struggle people have with coming out of “the closet”.
Now on the subject of Gay men withdrawing.
I agree with some of the sentiment. Leather to me isn’t about reaching out to the world as a whole. It’s about solidifying and strengthening the bonds of brotherhood among people who share the same values and practices. It’s about finding the younger people who desire to learn those values, and passing them on so they can continue the legacy that was forged by the first among us.
I disagree on two points. First, the BDSM practices have evolved since 1974, and not solely based on the experimentation done by Gay Leathermen (though it certainly included their experimentation). He never outright says that hets (please note that not once does he use the term bi-sexual) never brought anything to the table… but he does suggest that the only people doing any teaching in Society of Janus were Gay Leathermen. And by virtue of that he suggests that it was Gay Leathermen who were doing the teaching everywhere.
Well to sum up that first disagreement. Not all knowledge passed on within BDSM from 1974 onward originated with Gay men. That is a false indirect assertion.
The second disagreement is the assertion that to solidify the values that Leather holds true Gay Leathermen must retreat from other BDSM practitioners.
I’ve seen with my own eyes people born of both sexes, who identify as every sexuality possible, who truly have the capacity to support others (even those who were not born like themselves) in a manner befitting the term Leather Brotherhood. So to suggest that it wouldn’t be healthy for Gay cis-gendered men to include those who aren’t Gay cis-gendered men, is absurd, and prejudicial.
Furthermore, I’ve known Gay Leathermen who have far more stable “chosen families” that include het or bi-sexuals than those I’ve seen who don’t. Are those Gay Leathermen wrong?
No they aren’t wrong.
What I believe people in Leather (note a lack of qualifier), are doing right, is starting to find those small groups of people (no more than 10 or so) who they can earn trust from, and who can earn trust from them. Those who intimately know who they are as individuals, and help them become something greater than themselves.